She Makes You Feel Special

My S seems to have a way of making people feel like she just adores them even when she's never met them before.  I went to a library sale on Sunday and had my hands quite full with books, a bag and my little S.  It was a-bag-a-buck day so you know I was loading up on books for my classroom.

A sweet little group of silver-haired ladies were sitting nearby, working the sale and apparently talking about S.  Eventually one of the ladies came over and so adorably said, "We hold babies for free so mommies can shop."  Harmless and nearby, I agreed.

I looked over to see my darling resting her head on the lady's chest, all cuddled up and sweet while smiling at the other ladies who had goo-goo eyes.

The rest of the day she smelled of strong lady perfume, and I was reminded of what a sweety she is every time I cuddled her until bathtime.

SwimSuit Shopping :-(

I have never been fond of wearing swimsuits and in fact rarely wear one in public without a cover of some sort.  I now, however, realize that I should have appreciated my body while I had it because swimsuit shopping these days is a new level of ick.

Okay, yeah I have some tummy rolls and my breasts are huge (well, huge for me that is).  But most clothes hide it enough that I don't feel too bad about it most of the time.  BUT, oh, the horrors of trying on swimsuits yesterday.  They suck everything in and pop all the wrong spots out.  Horrible, horrible, horrible.  What's a girl to do, I'm thinking...  We're going on a trip with a ton of high school students on Monday and NO WAY am I wearing anything that lets my knockers pop out every which way.  I'm not even starting on the tummy rolls.

Depressed, I bought some swim shorts that are rather conservative and mom-like, leaving the top shopping for another day, thinking I'd probably just wear a tank top and give up swimming.  However, today, much to my delight, I found, what I believe to be, a tasteful tankini that is loose in all the right spots and holds in my mondo-milk-dispensers. Yeah, I wouldn't call my new two-piece sexy in any sense of the word, but it works for my current "situation."

Review: Babies (the documentary)

I went and saw Babies last night.  It was amazing.  I laughed and smiled and enjoyed every moment.  More striking to me than the differences between the babies, were the similarities.  Although the cultures each baby is immersed in is very different, I could see pieces of my little S in each of the babies.  The giggles, the yawns, the cries, the gaining control of their bodies part by part.

I laughed when one of the babies came over and grabbed a hold of his mom's breast and began to eat.  It reminded me of the time my sweet was sitting on my lap and scooted her body down and grabbed a hold and started eating.

When another was frustrated because she couldn't figure out her toy and she threw herself back and yelled and banged her arms around, it reminded me of watching S trying to learn to scoot and throwing her face into the ground and screaming in frustration.

I especially loved watching the interactions between the babies and the animals around them.  And of course I thought of my bug and her puppy Bella and how she giggles when she sees her and tries to pull her ears and yank her skin.

It was a beautiful picture of what I already believe to be true:  Every family finds its own rhythm and babies adapt to the lifestyles of their families.  As long as babies are loved and that love is shown through the meeting of their needs, babies grow and learn to adjust to the rhythm of their unique family.  What a wonderful reminder to trust our instincts as mothers and fathers.

New fun stuff

The last couple of days S has started scooting over to me while I'm on the floor with her and climbing up me until I pick her up.  It is the sweetest thing.  Then after a moment she wants back down to go play on her own again.  I feel like I'm watching her develop that sense of trust and confidence that she can venture out on her own for a while and then come back to me when she needs some reassurance.

I've also noticed that she's starting to reach for my husband and me when she wants us.  I wondered when babies started doing that.  I guess it's now! :-)

We are working so hard on getting into a pattern of taking naps during the day (in her crib, not in my arms).  The last couple of days have been hard getting her there but she has been taking at least one good nap in her crib each day.  It gives me hope.

She's my child, it's my choice

If one more person tells me to let my child "cry it out,"  I'm going to punch them in the face, walk away, and let them cry it out.

Morning Comes Early...but maybe it's worth it

S decided 5:30 am was morning today and since I disagree, she joined Matt and I in bed.  She fell back asleep pretty easily until 8 or so.  And when I woke up (or rather, she woke me up), she had her lips pressed to mine and was staring at me.  I kissed her and she pulled back and smiled and then went and laid her head on daddy's arm and smiled up at him.  I swear she said daddy but it was probably more like, "dadablablada."

I suppose if she'd gone back to sleep in her crib after I nursed her at 5:00 am, I would have missed such a precious moment.  And I know they won't last forever so for the moment, I'll be glad that morning comes early.

Experiencing Everything Anew

Today I was inside organizing paperwork when through the open window, all I can hear are these beautiful little giggles.  Well of course I had to step outside to see what all the joy was about.  S was hanging out with her daddy underneath the tree in our backyard.

When I look at that tree I think two things: A) I'm thankful for the shade on hot days and B) I wish I had a saw so I could cut back those low-hanging branches.  But on this particular day I saw this tree with fresh eyes.

Daddy was holding S just high enough that she was eye-level with those low-hanging branches.  She looked at the leaves like they were the most fascinating things she'd ever seen.  And of course she had to try and grab them and put them in her mouth.

Yesterday I looked outside at that tree and saw yard work.  Today I see treasure.

So when DO they sleep?

Tonight I'm thinking: If babies have trouble sleeping when they are newborns because they have to eat all the time, when they are teething, when they are experiencing a growth spurt, when they are learning a new skill...did I leave anything out?  Then WHEN do they sleep????

I'm starting to be convinced that none of this is true.  The truth is, if you end up with a baby who doesn't sleep well, they never sleep well and all those "reasons" are just there to help you feel better and have hope that maybe, just MAYBE, you might actually get to sleep again someday.

Stepping Back to Watch

Today I sat S down on the floor to play and I sat on the couch to eat my lunch and watch her play.  I spend most of my time on the floor with her, making silly faces and talking to her...hovering perhaps?  But today was different.  For some reason I thought a new perspective was in order.

It's interesting what you can see from a distance.  She certainly favors a couple of toys over other ones but she did take a brief try at pretty much every toy on the floor.  It seems the main purpose for her toys is to chew on them and so if they do not easily lend themselves to that action, she quickly moves on.  As one ring slipped down over her wrist and down her arm, she worked to wiggle it off.  One book proved to be too large to pick up so she quickly gave it up.  Although I now see it's no longer anywhere near where I'd originally placed it.  Perhaps when I got up to get my computer she pushed it around the floor.

I smile at her independence and enjoy the moment to eat my lunch in peace.

And as my mind often does, I find it wandering and making connections to another area of my life where kids are the focus.  I wonder how often, as a teacher, I spend too much time hovering close and miss a distant perspective that might teach me something important.  When September rolls around I will have to take time to step back, watch, and learn.

Baby grunts bring me back to the present and make me grateful that, for the time being, the bouts of independence are short and mommy is still wanted and appreciated for closeness and comfort.

Moving on

I put S in her crib last night for the first time.  I thought it was worth a try to see if she'd sleep better with no one in the room with her.  She didn't.  She slept the same as she always does...waking up every three hours.

I'm glad she transitioned to the crib without any issues but I'm not sure I loved getting up out of bed to nurse her when she woke up.

I think I'm gonna stick with it but I am really praying she starts sleeping better soon.  It's getting harder to convince myself I'm not completely exhausted every day.  The caffeine intake is increasing and the sleepy eyes are getting harder to hide.

Remembering Milestones

Yesterday (5/22/10) S sat up all by herself for the first time.  No pillows or couch cushions for support.  Just mommy's hands stretched out beside her to cushion her tumble.  She can do it for a few seconds and sometimes a little longer.  Watching her learn is both exciting and sad.  There are so many wonderful moments to come and yet I already can't remember what it feels like to hold her tiny newborn body and that's a little sad.

I realized today that it's time to move her 0-3 month clothes out and her 3-6 month clothes in.  I suppose since she's almost 5 months old now, it's about time.

Could it Be Teething?

I have to wonder what's going on in little S's mind these days.  She had finally started sleeping pretty well at night, just waking up once or twice.  We seemed to be past the nighttime screaming and putting her back down after nighttime feedings was pretty much breezy.

But since she had a little fever two Fridays ago, the sleep has gone down and the crankiness has gone up.  She's waking up at least 3 times a night to feed, fussing a lot during the day and screaming for a good hour or so at night before bedtime.  Plus she's waking up and fussing in the night and when I lay her down after nursing she fusses for a while.

So, what's up.  Wondering if she could be teething.  Maybe the runny nose, constant drooling, fussiness, constant chomping on her hands and mine, and poor sleep means little chompers are coming in?  Or maybe she can sense the fact that I am stressed to the max.  I know I've mentioned my job situation (or lack there of) and the last couple of weeks I have been thinking of little else and the fussier she gets and the less she sleeps the more exhausted I get.  So combined with my own exhaustion and the job stress, I imagine she senses the tension.  Perhaps that's it.  Or maybe she's just back to her old ways and the good stuff was a tiny reprieve.

Anyway, she's fussy and sleeping poorly.  I'm fussy and sleeping poorly.  And my husband is stuck in the middle of us both.

Life is Always Changing

When you live with a baby life as you know it is always ending and something new and fresh is beginning.  You think you've got sleep figured out (well, better anyway) and then a cold strikes and it's all over.  Today they roll over once a day and tomorrow you can't keep them on their tummies.

Today I realized life is changing again.  S notices when I leave the room and unless she's good and distracted, she doesn't love it.  This new experience comes with a variety of emotions.  There's something wonderful about the thought that she recognizes me and wants me around.  On the other hand...well you can imagine what might be challenging about a baby wanting you in sight at all times.  We haven't quite reached that point but I can tell it is coming.

On another note, S and Bella Mia were fighting over Bella's toy today.  S must have had a mighty good grip or Bella was being gentle with her because they had a brief moment of tug-of-war.  It was pretty stinkin' cute and got me excited for when they really start playing together.  Bella still tries to get S to throw her toy for her, which obviously is not going to happen anytime soon.  But it has led to attempts at eating Bella's toys.  Ewww....  Don't worry, I'm working hard to keep them out of her mouth!

These are the Eyes

This is what I'm talking about.  Absolutely mesmerizing eyes.  Impossible to look away.

Obsessing

On a job hunt.  It's stressing me out.  The thought of subbing for another year is, um, depressing.  The district I want to work for is hiring 42 new teachers this year and I just keep thinking, "If I don't get a job this year, I never will."  And then I went back to school and got my Master's degree for nada.

Anyway, it seems I have interviews and a teaching observation next week so I'm completely obsessing at the moment.  It's pretty much all I can think about so when my brain temporarily stopped obsessing today and my eyes locked on my daughter's bright, beautiful eyes, I was temporarily at peace.  I think in my interview I'll try and remind myself that not getting a job this year means spending more time with my lovely and then maybe I'll relax.  

That Darn Baby Monitor

I think I swear every time I hear the baby monitor make a noise after I've put S to sleep.  The problem is, it will often make a noise for no reason.  So I'm waiting with bated breath all evening long, fully expecting that at any moment my peace and quiet will be broken with the sound of woeful baby tears.

Tonight I put her down at 7:45 pm and RARELY does she actually stay asleep when I put her to bed that early.  At the moment it's 9:30 pm and that stupid monitor has been making fuzz every few minutes.  I'm thinking it's been long enough now that surely I can relax and rest assured that she'll stay asleep until her late night feeding.

Simple Treasures

Don't you wish you could giggle just because someone kissed your cheeks and made a silly noise?  Wouldn't our world be a happier place if we laughed genuinely at the sight of someone's goofy face in the mirror?  Perhaps we'd have no war and all live at peace with each other if we cracked up just because we moved our body up and down.

If only we never lost the satisfaction of simple accomplishments like blowing raspberries for the first time or held on to the wonder of reaching out to a puppy dog and trying to grab her nose while she kisses us.

We might even be better off if we continued to express our dissatisfaction with high pitched squeals and cranky faces rather than hateful, hurtful words.

These are the new treasures being found in my house right now.

A Busy Working Mom

I totally planned to take this entire week off.  I had a dentist appointment and a Mother's Day brunch, S's 4 month appointment, lunch with a friend and dinner with another.  Well, then I got an e-mail asking me to work every day this week.  Ugh.  It was a request straight from a principal at the school I want to work at next year so I just couldn't say no.  So now I'm working ALL week (except Tuesday).

Anyway, up until this point I have only worked a day or two and each week and I've loved getting out of the house and being back to teaching.  I love my little S but it has not bothered me to leave her because I know she's being taken care of.  But last night when I said I'd work this week, I was hit with a little twinge of sadness, realizing I'd be missing 24 hours of S time!!  24 hours seems like FOREVER in the life of a baby.  I'll even have to miss her 4 month check up.

I don't regret my decision and I'm excited about the possibility of working full time next year, but I definitely will miss my little darling as the hours keep adding up.  I'm reminded of a friend who once told me that you can be a great working mom or a crappy working mom or you can be a great stay-at-home mom or a crappy stay-at-home mom.  If you are going to work, you can't feel guilty for it.  Just make sure that you make the best of the time you do have at home.

In a Funk

Ever since we got back from vacation I feel like I've been in a total funk!  Being a mom is more wonderful than I could have imagined but it has magnified stresses that used to lay just under the surface.  Going to visit Matt's family just made me feel totally guilty for not visiting my own.  You know it's been like 3 years since I've been to Alaska and seen my step-dad and many of my brothers and sisters.  I'm not even sure when I saw my oldest brother last.  I haven't been to visit my dad and step mom in a few years either.  And now that S is here I just HATE that she's not around her family.

We had some time available in July to travel to see my family but I felt so guilty making a choice between who to visit that I just gave up and chose to stay home.  Not to mention the cost of traveling!  It's ridiculous that we can't hardly go anywhere for under $1000 and we just can't hardly afford that at the moment.

Bringing me to the next thing on my mind...jobs!  I need one.  As I said, being a mom is amazing but I miss having my own classroom.  I need something else to engage my mind and challenge me.  The district I want to work for is hiring 42 new teachers this year and I desperately want one of those jobs.  I feel pretty good about my chances but if it works out that I don't get a job I feel like I won't have a good excuse.  Last year I could still feel good about myself as a teacher because jobs were so scarce.  This year if it doesn't work out, I'll feel like it's me and that I went back to school and spent $20,000 to get a Masters degree for no reason.

And lastly, we have got to make a will.  In the past I didn't feel much of a need to write one because we really don't have anything to give.  But now we have our greatest treasure and I simply cannot make a choice about who she would go to if we were to die.  It seems like a horrible choice to have to make and not a soul on earth seems good enough.  All I can think of is that no one will raise her like I would and that is simply unacceptable.

So there, I'm in a funk.  I need to go clean my house and work my way out of it.

Radical Republican's Turn Away, This'll Probably Tick You Off

Saw this on facebook this morning...

DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN.


Are you kidding me????  I totally disagreed with tons of Bush's policy decisions but never in my craziest mind would I have suggested that he should die.  And I see Christians posting this!!  You should be ashamed of yourselves.


What exactly has this man done to deserve death?  Beat his lovely wife?  Molest his adorable daughters?  No, neither of those.  Oh wait, try to get health care for people who don't have it...that must be the thing he has done that makes him worthy of death.


If you are one of the people who decided to "like" this statement, I virtually step off my soap box and throw it at you.  Maybe that will knock some sense into you.