In a Funk

Ever since we got back from vacation I feel like I've been in a total funk!  Being a mom is more wonderful than I could have imagined but it has magnified stresses that used to lay just under the surface.  Going to visit Matt's family just made me feel totally guilty for not visiting my own.  You know it's been like 3 years since I've been to Alaska and seen my step-dad and many of my brothers and sisters.  I'm not even sure when I saw my oldest brother last.  I haven't been to visit my dad and step mom in a few years either.  And now that S is here I just HATE that she's not around her family.

We had some time available in July to travel to see my family but I felt so guilty making a choice between who to visit that I just gave up and chose to stay home.  Not to mention the cost of traveling!  It's ridiculous that we can't hardly go anywhere for under $1000 and we just can't hardly afford that at the moment.

Bringing me to the next thing on my mind...jobs!  I need one.  As I said, being a mom is amazing but I miss having my own classroom.  I need something else to engage my mind and challenge me.  The district I want to work for is hiring 42 new teachers this year and I desperately want one of those jobs.  I feel pretty good about my chances but if it works out that I don't get a job I feel like I won't have a good excuse.  Last year I could still feel good about myself as a teacher because jobs were so scarce.  This year if it doesn't work out, I'll feel like it's me and that I went back to school and spent $20,000 to get a Masters degree for no reason.

And lastly, we have got to make a will.  In the past I didn't feel much of a need to write one because we really don't have anything to give.  But now we have our greatest treasure and I simply cannot make a choice about who she would go to if we were to die.  It seems like a horrible choice to have to make and not a soul on earth seems good enough.  All I can think of is that no one will raise her like I would and that is simply unacceptable.

So there, I'm in a funk.  I need to go clean my house and work my way out of it.

Radical Republican's Turn Away, This'll Probably Tick You Off

Saw this on facebook this morning...

DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN.


Are you kidding me????  I totally disagreed with tons of Bush's policy decisions but never in my craziest mind would I have suggested that he should die.  And I see Christians posting this!!  You should be ashamed of yourselves.


What exactly has this man done to deserve death?  Beat his lovely wife?  Molest his adorable daughters?  No, neither of those.  Oh wait, try to get health care for people who don't have it...that must be the thing he has done that makes him worthy of death.


If you are one of the people who decided to "like" this statement, I virtually step off my soap box and throw it at you.  Maybe that will knock some sense into you.

Inspired by a silly group of kids

Today I went back and subbed in the classroom that I student-taught in last year.  The students are mostly the same because they looped up with their teacher to the next grade level.  It was an interesting day because I was subbing for my old mentor teacher who was teaching a lesson in front of 7 of her colleagues in the morning and then going to other classrooms for observations in the afternoon.  This meant that I got to watch her teach again.

This is a tough bunch of kids.  Rowdy, noisy, easily distracted, difficult to keep engaged and focused.  Mostly they just don't stop talking to each other.  What I saw today was quite amazing.  Last year they were individuals working in a classroom.  Today I saw a learning community.  My university supervisor and I talked a lot about how much they had grown by the end of last year in terms of how they related to one another and learned together and supported each other and the role I played in bringing about some of that.  But today I saw them so much further from even that point.  My mentor teacher has managed to figure out how to harness their talkative energy and use it to help them learn from each other.

In the morning I had a few moments with them before the observation lesson began so I asked them to share with me some of the things they've been learning about.  One student (I'll call him John) started to tell me about a poster that was on the wall that was filled with information about knights.  John was telling me about how becoming a knight was similar to becoming a self-manager (a high honor at the school) because each has important steps to earning that particular badge of honor.  He also quickly pointed out that they are different because you have to different things to become a knight than you do to become a self-manager.  What was so impressive about his sharing was that this was not even his project.  Other students in the class had read the books and created the materials that hung on the wall.  He had learned these things by listening to his classmates.

Anyway, it was just fun for me to see how much they've grown and it made me long for my own classroom that much more.  The school district I want to work in is hiring 42 new teachers next year and I'm desperately hoping to be one of those 42.  I guess only time will tell!  In the meantime I am trying to trust God and remember that His plan is perfect, whether that means I have a full-time or part-time job next year or I go back to subbing again.

I might talk to much

You know those people that you are afraid to ask, "How are you?" because you'll end up getting a half-hour long explanation of what's been going on in their lives and yet you still ask because you feel bad for them and think, "Oh they just need someone to talk too?"  Yeah that's me.  Don't ask how I am unless you really want to know because I am in a "I need human-contact" mood!

Let me be more specific.  I actually am looking for human contact that 1) talks and 2) doesn't talk back.  At home I have constant human contact.  I may get 15-20 minutes of time to myself (i.e. time to do the dishes) here and there, but basically, I'm never alone.  But unfortunately this human can't carry on a conversation and I can only talk to the sound of nothing so much.

At work I am surrounded by the talking variety of humans but when I say they can talk back, I don't always mean it in the good way.

So, if you are looking for the "I'm good, how are you?" response, just don't bother asking.

Nightmare Napper

I've probably mentioned it a time or two before, but my daughter is just a terrible napper.  She was actually quite good at it when she wasn't sleeping at night, but now that the nighttime sleeping is getting better and better, the napping just gets worse and worse.

Today I cuddled up on the recliner with her after nursing her like I used to when she was smaller.  I realized that I have been so busy trying to get her to lay down for naps that I have been missing out on precious cuddle time!  So I enjoyed her sprawled out on my chest, cuddled under a blanket while I caught up on some Tivo.

After about an hour and a half I decided to try and lay her down on her own.  She quietly fussed for a couple minutes but has now been sleeping for another hour or so!  I got a little time to myself along with some treasured mommy/daughter time and hopefully she'll be waking up rested and happy.

Choices

I find it very difficult to sit idly by and watch the people I care about make piss poor choices.  I want to scream and shake them silly until they come to their senses and realize what idiots they are being.  I'm currently practicing patience and attempting to allow them to make their own mistakes, realizing that nothing I say will make a difference at this point anyway, and sometimes people just have to learn for themselves.  I know that I have to make my own decisions and learn the hard way sometimes too and I have to let others follow their own paths as well.

This makes me realize how hard it is going to be as S gets older and begins to make her own choices.  In my heart I deeply want her to be the kind of person who has a strong mind and will and isn't easily swayed by other's opinions.  However, I just know how hard it will be to watch her fail.  I will want to protect her. I will want to save her before she falls.  But I know I can't always.  Sometimes she will have to face the consequences of her own choices and I won't love every choice she makes but I will have to make sure she knows that I love her just the same, regardless of those things.

I want to take life slow.  I know that today she has her troubles but moving quickly through them simply means that the troubles of the next stage will be here.  Day by day.  This is how you love a child and try to teach them the way.  Day by day.

Change comes unannounced and can be easily missed

Sometimes I feel like I blink and suddenly S has changed.  I look back and think, "When did that happen?"  If I don't stop and reflect each day, I miss her growth and find that it's a week or more before I notice the difference.

Today I reflected back on S's sleep growth.  I heard her wiggling and stretching this morning and glanced over at the clock.  7:00 am.  Really?  7?  Wait, yesterday she slept in her co-sleeper until 7 too.  Did she do it the day before as well?  I don't mean she slept through the night.  But this progress is great.

Typically S decides that sometime between 3 and 6 am is morning.  I never know what each day will bring.  I usually give up and pull her into bed with me and spend the rest of the "night" sleeping with her in my arms.  I absolutely love waking her to her sweet face next to mine but my sleep is light, very light, when I'm holding her.  This new change is a welcome one.

The second change I realized today is that I don't have to work to get S back to sleep after each feeding in the night.  Even when she wakes a little more, I can lay her right down and after a little wiggling, she falls back to sleep.  I used to have to rock her in my arms a little bit after nursing her.  I'd spend 30 min to an hour each time she woke up nursing and rocking.  Now I spend 10-15 minutes.

I probably shouldn't write these things because I do know that things can change again for the better or worse in an instance. But for now I will smile and appreciate a week of deeper, longer rest for us both.

Lessons Learned While Traveling to Grandmas

First of all let me say, it has been 4 days since we got home and the horror of it has not faded from my memory.  Okay, maybe horror is a strong word.  And since most jet-setting parents have experienced something similar or worse I probably shouldn't act like I'm the most unlucky parent in the world.  But I just LOVE how everyone was like, "Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine, she'll sleep the whole time" before I left and now that I'm back they are like, "Oh yeah, traveling with babies sucks."  So here's my lessons learned....

1.  A fussy baby who doesn't like to nap and has to be rocked to sleep will not suddenly become the picture of perfection on an airplane and "sleep like a baby" (stupid saying btw).  So you might as well get it in your head ahead of time: this will not be a walk in the park.

2.  ALWAYS check your layover times when choosing flights and NEVER pick a flight schedule with and hour or less between flights.  An hour or less is simply not enough time to get all the way across an airport where you have to walk a long way and then take a tram plus clean up your baby's blow out.  And don't get me started about the Phoenix airport.  Leave the terminal, walk outside to another terminal and go through security again...are you kidding me???

3. Don't tell the security guy you are running late and to please hurry up as he is emptying your bag.  Okay, it ended up not causing a problem but probably just because my husband quickly told me to shut up.

4. Stain stick.  When poopy clothes have to sit in a plastic bag for many hours before they can be washed, that stain just ain't gonna come out baby.  Pack some stain stick and save an outfit.

5. My outlets are crappy.  This is a weird one and nothing to do with S but I was BLOWN AWAY when I turned on my blow dryer at Grandma's house.  Oh the power.  It was awesome.

6. A cute baby keeps people from completely hating you as they get off the plane and pass you in the terminal.  "Oh, is this the sweet baby that was making all that noise?  She's so adorable."  I'm guessing this was only because they were drunk from all the hard liquor they drank to survive the three hour flight that was at least half filled with the sounds of the most unhappy baby on the planet.  Seriously, they were drinking.

I could probably go on, but that should be enough to chew on for now.

Home from Vacation

So I think I need some days to take a breath before sharing my "lessons learned from traveling with S" blog.  I will say that I'm very glad to be home and I hope it will be a very long time before we do it again.  I think she feels the same as I do about traveling.

A Flirty Easter Sunday

I felt like a total poser today taking my little S to church in the most frilly Easter dress.  It just didn't seem like her or me and I don't think she was a big fan either.  However, the dress seemed rather fitting when she started flirting with a little boy!

I seriously have never seen her do anything like it.  I was talking with a lady who was holding her five month old grandson when S started cooing, smiling and squealing.  She would stare at this little boy and start to coo, then with a huge smile let out a squeal and quickly bury her face in my chest.  She did this several times while I stood there.  

I think I'm going to have my hands full with that girl.  

I'm Glad I Waited

It hit me yesterday how much freedom I lost when I had a baby.  For some reason I hadn't really noticed yet.  I was perfectly happy sitting at home, taking care of her, not being able to go out whenever we/I wanted.  Actually I still am perfectly happy, but I'm suddenly aware of the change.

I got home from Target when I realized I hadn't picked up a pizza for dinner like I had planned.  I had already taken S out of her car seat.  I decided to go ahead and put her back in and head back out again.  By the time we got there she was asleep.  All I needed to do was run in and pay and grab my pizza.  I could see the car from the window.  OOOH, this is why people leave their children in cars!  I'd really never understood it before.  How crazy do you have to be to leave your child in the car while you go into a store?  You don't have to be crazy.  You have to realize that you won't be even five minutes, she's sleeping and she NEVER sleeps during the day and it'll take just as long to get her out of her car seat and back in again that it would to just run in and out without her.

Don't worry, I took her in.  It was fine.  She stayed asleep.  I won't leave my child in a car.  I rarely even leave my dog in the car.

I'm glad I waited until I was 30 to get pregnant.  I think if I were younger I might feel some resentment about this loss of freedom.  Matt and I were married 8 years when we started trying to have a baby.  Just long enough to get bored and be ready for a change.  She's definitely brought change.  It just didn't really notice it until yesterday.

A Few Days Too Late

This is the e-mail I got from Baby Center this morning.  I think it's a few days late.  (see the bold part)  Perhaps if they'd realized how advanced my baby is they would have sent it earlier and saved me the trouble of going to Urgent Care.  Maybe I should sue (in case you don't know me...that's a joke).

Your baby is probably able to sit upright when propped up by blankets or pillows. If he can do this for short periods without slumping forward or immediately toppling to the side, by all means let him enjoy the new views that come with sitting upright on the floor or next to you on the sofa. (Take care not to leave a propped-up infant unattended. Even a seemingly stable pre-sitter can topple over.)

My Sister the Supermom

I've been thinking about my sister these last few days.  Although I know many moms who have no desire to live up to any "supermom" ideal, I like it.  I've worked hard these last few months to keep up with the housework, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the cooking, taking care of myself and being the best mom to S.  But the truth is, I can't even imagine keeping up with it all if I had more than one child.

My sister has three children.  Not only that, her husband is in the military and he just left for like 15 months!  I can't even fathom taking care of three children with help, but definitely not on my own.  I can at least pass little S off to her dad when I'm needing a break.

So, to all the moms of several children, single moms or moms who's husbands work crazy hours or are gone for days, weeks, months or years at a time, I hearby award you the title of Supermom...whether you have a clean house or not.

Worst Mom Ever?

Why isn't there a place in the baby book for this first: "First time I let you take a head-first dive off the couch."  Probably because those are not the moments we want to remember!  I know I'm not the worst mom ever.  There are sick moms out there that hurt their babies on purpose.  But I will give myself the, "Worst mom of the week among my friends" award.

Monday night I clipped her thumb with the finger nail clippers and made her bleed... a lot.  She screamed and cried and wouldn't calm down until I gave her to her daddy.

This morning I smacked her head into the wall.  No idea how I managed that.

This evening I sat her down on the couch next to me so I could put my hair up in a pony tail.  Before I even managed to get my hair up, S somehow managed to fling herself off the couch, head first.  I looked to my side and as if time had frozen I saw her head about to hit the hardwood floor while her feet were straight up in the air.  Faster than gravity, I got my arms around her just as she hit.  I think/hope I softened the blow.  I held her in my arms until she calmed down, trying to decide if I needed to call the advice nurse.  I supposed it wouldn't hurt so I called and they asked me to take her to urgent care since she's so young.

All is fine.  She made it out with only a big scratch on her leg.  And now I know, I have to have a hand on her at all times.  One second is one second too many.  

Too Much Information?

So usually I have a rather fast flowing milk.  I mean S often chokes on it.  Occasionally, however, she has to work to get it going...like it takes more than a second.  This morning was one of those times.

She looked up at my like, "Hey, just give it to me already."  I smiled and said, "Oh S, you need to know that not everything in life will come easy to you.  You will have to work for things.  And in fact, the things you have to work for, are often the most rewarding."

She went back to eating.  I think she gets it.  She's very mature for her age.  Not even three months old and already she's learning the hard lessons of life.

Uh-Oh Out to Eat

We haven't eaten at a restaurant very often since S was born but we've done it a few times and she has always been a perfect angel. Either she sleeps, sits happily in her car seat or happily in my arms. Until today...

I was already a little hesitant because we were heading out during what tends to be a cranky time of night for her. But I thought perhaps it'd be okay because she seems to really enjoy getting out of the house. I got a little more worried as she cried in the car during the drive. And of course as soon as we got there she wanted out of her car seat and started fussing.

It's hard to decide what to do at that moment I discovered. Stay or go? We just walked in, we haven't ordered. We could leave without a problem. Should we brave it and hope she doesn't get any fussier or should we run for the hills?

We stayed and braved it. Luckily, between her dad and I bouncing her and continually switching her position throughout the meal, she kept mostly quiet. It wasn't until the very end that she really started to cry. But seriously, who wants to pay $7 for a tiny plate of food while having to bounce a fussy baby and rush through dinner. I could do that at home! Oh well, better luck next time.

Fleeting Moments

This week little S started picking up her rattle.  Last week she could only hold it if I opened her hand and placed it in it.  Today she picks it up and tries to put it in her mouth.  I can't help but think she's almost 20 and moving out of my house already.  I can already hardly remember what it was like to hold her when she was barely even 8 lbs.  The nights of pacing the floors for hours and hours and sleeping on the couch with her because she refused to lay anywhere but in someone's arms, seem like a long forgotten memory.

Last night I while I nursed her in bed at 1:30 in the morning I smiled as her tiny little hand softly caressed my breast.  These are the moments that won't be captured on film.  These are the moments that fill my heart up.  These are the moments that I fear will fade in my memory as new special moments between mother and daughter appear.

I know many moms who talk about really disliking having their babies sleep in the room with them, but I cherish it.  I love it when I wake up in the night and can look over and see her sweet little arms stretched out and her body curled up on her side, just like I like to sleep.  I love that when she starts to fuss before falling asleep, it usually only takes my hand resting on her tummy to calm her back to sleep.  I love those last couple of hours in the morning when she's not tired enough to sleep in her co-sleeper but she will cuddle up in my arms and sleep beside me.  I wake up before she does many days and open my eyes to see her sweet face next to mine and I just watch her as she sleeps.  I wouldn't trade any hours of extra sleep for these moments with my daughter.  I know that before long she'll be too grown to cuddle in bed with me.  She'll want her own room, her privacy.  But for now, I will cherish these moments.

Rough Night

What exactly makes a baby a bad baby? I get asked all the time, "Is she a good baby?" I never quite know how to answer that. Well, how would you describe a good baby? Quiet? Sleeps well? Good eater? Okay, my little one is really none of those things. Does that make her bad? I can't imagine we'd ever tell a 3 year old she had a bad personality because she wasn't quiet and compliant. In fact, those skills don't necessarily benefit a person as they get older.

Last night was a rough night. It was probably what some would describe as "bad baby" behavior. Not that she could really help it I suppose. Wouldn't fall asleep until around midnight and that was only in bed with me. Slept a few hours in her co-sleeper after I ever so gently slid her from under my arm into her bed. Woke up to eat again at 5:30 and half an hour later she'd pooped all over my bed. I suppose those are the dangers of co-sleeping. Besides suffocation of course. Although I'd say the chances of turning over into a pile of spit-up or a wet poopy spot are much higher than suffocation.

I tend to always look for a "reason" for the behavior. I figure if there's a reason then I can fix it. I admit to certain ridiculous thinking along these lines. Last night (and actually it was at 6 am this morning but since I was planning to sleep a few more hours, I'm calling it night), I was thinking, "You just pooped all over yourself to make sure I had to get up and change your diaper, didn't you?" See I've pretty much stopped changing her diaper at night. She rarely poops and frankly I'm too exhausted to get up and I'd rather try and keep her as asleep as possible. Her changing table makes her giddy for some reason. She goes from fast asleep to laughing in seconds. But of course she's started to get a little diaper rash (I thought we had that all taken care of!!). So I'm thinking, what kind of mother lets her baby stew in urine all night and gives her a diaper rash? So certainly, she must have had a blow-out to insist that I get up and change her. She's quite clever like that.

God our Father

Last night I woke up from a dream where Matt ran into our room in the middle of the night to tell me to grab the baby and hide because there was a bad person in the house. I remember thinking I'd do anything to protect her, even give my life.

Moments later she's in my arms and refusing to sleep. I was reminded of a book I'm reading called, "Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year," by Anne Lamott. She writes about the strange feeling of loving her son so incredibly deeply and yet wanting to throw him down the stairs at times.

In my extreme exhaustion I'm understanding her feeling. While I just woke up from a dream where I realized I'd give my life for her, at this moment the thought of dropping her down some stairs sounds intriguing. Okay, maybe just wrapping her nicely in a basket and leaving her at the neighbors doorstep like poor little Alvin, Simon and Theodore.

I wonder if God feels like this about us. He obviously loved us enough to give his life for us. But perhaps he also wants to throw us down some stairs at times. And I've only got one little screaming child. God has an entire earth filled with screaming children. I used to think the Psalm that talks about God never sleeping because he's always watching over us was a beautiful picture of God's love and protection. Now I'm thinking maybe this whole never slumbering thing is not for lack of trying.

Insanity Plea

If I ever committed murder I could easily call for an insanity plea. It's completely ludicrous, the things I do and think are necessary to achieve just a few hours of sleep or peace and quiet. One night my dear child falls asleep quickly and stays asleep for four hours so I have to retrace my steps to figure out what miracle cure I have found.

Okay, so Tuesday night I drank three sips of cherry coke and ate half a chocolate chip cookie while daddy held her. Then I nursed for fifteen minutes and quickly changed her diaper. Daddy rocked her in the chair for half an hour and then laid her in her co-sleeper with the fan on and the small lamp lighting the room. Five hours later she wakes up for her first middle of the night feeding. Sweet! Well, then Wednesday night I must do the exact same thing because obviously I have found the key. Lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat...as needed.

My new thinking is that daddy has to rock her or she won't stay asleep. Which sucks since daddy is playing poker tonight. Shit. I'm going to be up all night with a screaming baby. So I'm sitting in my rocking chair after nursing and changing her diaper. Matt says I'm not relaxed enough and since she's screaming at the top of her lungs, I'm thinking, "Sure...relax." So I let me body go limp (while trying to still hold her...right). Uh yeah, this doesn't help. Ah, perhaps it is the perfect balance of relaxed and stiff that I'm looking for. Stiffen, relax, stiffen, relax. And so it goes.

This ridiculous line of thinking goes on in my head for a while when I suddenly realize, she's quiet and her eyes are barely open. And just a few minutes later, she's asleep in her co-sleeper and I'm sitting here typing when I should be getting ready for bed.