In a Funk

Ever since we got back from vacation I feel like I've been in a total funk!  Being a mom is more wonderful than I could have imagined but it has magnified stresses that used to lay just under the surface.  Going to visit Matt's family just made me feel totally guilty for not visiting my own.  You know it's been like 3 years since I've been to Alaska and seen my step-dad and many of my brothers and sisters.  I'm not even sure when I saw my oldest brother last.  I haven't been to visit my dad and step mom in a few years either.  And now that S is here I just HATE that she's not around her family.

We had some time available in July to travel to see my family but I felt so guilty making a choice between who to visit that I just gave up and chose to stay home.  Not to mention the cost of traveling!  It's ridiculous that we can't hardly go anywhere for under $1000 and we just can't hardly afford that at the moment.

Bringing me to the next thing on my mind...jobs!  I need one.  As I said, being a mom is amazing but I miss having my own classroom.  I need something else to engage my mind and challenge me.  The district I want to work for is hiring 42 new teachers this year and I desperately want one of those jobs.  I feel pretty good about my chances but if it works out that I don't get a job I feel like I won't have a good excuse.  Last year I could still feel good about myself as a teacher because jobs were so scarce.  This year if it doesn't work out, I'll feel like it's me and that I went back to school and spent $20,000 to get a Masters degree for no reason.

And lastly, we have got to make a will.  In the past I didn't feel much of a need to write one because we really don't have anything to give.  But now we have our greatest treasure and I simply cannot make a choice about who she would go to if we were to die.  It seems like a horrible choice to have to make and not a soul on earth seems good enough.  All I can think of is that no one will raise her like I would and that is simply unacceptable.

So there, I'm in a funk.  I need to go clean my house and work my way out of it.